Short getaway

Even thought it was a short trip, but I enjoyed traveling. Hope to be able to fly to more places in the coming future :)

车祸

好久没来更新了。 上个礼拜， 我出了车祸并且失去了我的宝贝车。 感谢上帝，我只是受了轻伤， 人却还好好的。除了家人以外，我目睹了谁才是真正关心我的朋友 :) 很庆幸有他们的陪伴，让我在修养的一个星期内不感到寂寞。

和死神较量后，才知道生命真的很宝贵。 如果我就这样离开了， 我想我会很遗憾，因为还有太多太多的事情没做。

Not going well at all

I can only say, after so long, you don't really know me at all. What do you mean by lack of ethics and lack of humanity? Just because your circle is like that, it doesn't mean every single person have to react the same way.

Sometimes, when I comment about other people, it is purely just venting out frustrations and sharing thoughts. Nothing about me being better than them or so. If you think this is bad enough, then don't bother asking me to share how I feel. I never thought I am better than anyone. '

Besides that, I have the right to choose to not be expressive. If nobody can accept me for who I am, then why should I accept people for who they are? What do you mean by "Don't be the girl that people hate" ? No matter how likable I am, there are still people who don't like me for a reason. So there you go...I can't please everyone and don't wish to leave under people's shoe.

.................

My MacBook finally died.

Sigh, having to spend unnecessary money. Money in my account is decreasing each day. Mission Faith Pledge and sponsored child fare are my commitments.

Hopefully things will be fine :( Aiks. Having lots of mixed feelings. Can't seems to be happy.

Lunch time come, and it is odd to not have someone to eat with me. Should start getting used to this kinda life for the time being. Way to go... 

Time Machine

Looking at my evil self through the mirror, I just can't bear the sight of it.

What has gone wrong with me? I done all the things which I am so afraid that the other person will do.

Feelings are hard to express. To say I don't feel anything, that's a lie. To say I don't miss those times, that's a lie too. To say I am not grateful, that's a lie too.

Recalling back to the past, I was the one who fought so hard for this. If I could turn the time back, perhaps things would be better.

The same scenario has taken place again. Just that this time, I don't have to right to beg for a second chance. I am sorry..

Dreams

Roundabout dreams :) 

Reunited again

It took us 2 years to reunited as a team again. JB SHE rawkz!!Always missing these girls :)

Busy...

Work is getting tedious and packed. Tiring but I kinda like it.. better than I have nothing else to do. Will be spending the week in KL and hopefully through Archidex, I get to enhance my learning curve.

My little daughter has turned 3. Happy birthday Rachel!! May you grow up well :) She is ever so cute. Too bad I couldn't be there to sing birthday song but the cake was yummy. Love themes' party!! For my next birthday, I want a fairytale theme!!!1

Lost
Unsure
Insecure
Complicated
Crazy

This is how I felt. Nothing much to explain about myself anyway. Yes, call me selfish. I am used to having no one to understand.

My little boyfriend

So, this day has finally arrive. The Seaward's family is transitioning back to Singapore for greater calling. 

I am gonna miss my little boyfriend like crazy. He has always been a fun and happy boy to hang out with. To watch him grow from a baby to a 2 year old big sized toddler, man.. time really flies. We always have our own special hang out moments. Even by just listening to him introducing all his Sesame Street friends, it is good enough. Saturday is gonna be so quiet without him now :( Missing my little friend and may he grows into a fine little boy :)

Love him so..

Rocking the 20s away

Well, I don't like birthdays. Especially when I nearing the mid 20s. So this year, I decided to do something different. Instead of allowing Facebook to remind people of my insignificant birthdate, it is time to see who are the people that values me :) 

PS: I am not disappointed at all. Thanks for all the private wishes, messages, whatsapp and even face to face wishing. Oh and thanks to that that FIRST person who posted on my wall and started the trend where people saw it and it clicks through their minds. It surprised me as that person and I are not close at all and we don't talk at all since 4 years ago when I was still in Perth.

Thankful to be part of this awesome family in Christ that has been a blessing to me. My day was simple and yet meaningful. Thanks to those who put in a lot of effort to made my day. And also my family and   neighbours who has been the greatest support to me. I feel the love and I know I am blessed :)

Recently..

Life is really like a "Yo-Yo" trend. It goes up and down without even giving you any warning signals ahead of time. 

PS: The picture above showed how we celebrated Jhanny boy's birthday. Nothing related to this post and just wanna include a picture just so my post won't turns out to be wordy and lengthy.

Life is stress and sometimes, too much happenings can make me doubt my faith. My dearest Heavenly Father, I think You sort of think too highly of me and expect me to go through all these. Again, I really doubt that my heart and my body can endure all these. It is a little bit too much for me. Would you just tell me what to do?

...

Recently, I am so lazy to even come to this little space of mine, let alone having a great story to tell. Forget about that alright? 

Guys will always be guys. Okay, this is very general statement. I am not indicating anyone or whosoever. All the promises always go down into drain. Making promise like "I will stay away from social network" but in the end still came crawling back to it has just proven that there is not much determination. So yea,  forget about that! They just don't understand! Just a thought..

Like how I ponder over James Cameron biggest masterpiece "Avatar". Is it possible for two persons who are from different World to stay together? After watching Atlantis, my answer still stay firm to "yes". One of them just has to abandon his or her World and join the other one.

Simple blessing

While roaming around City Square today, I thought it would be nice if I could just develop some pictures at the same time so that I don't have to rush tonight. So yea, it has been too long since I last develop any pictures using that so-called advance photo machine. I was at some end steps when this Malay lady came to me and helped me. The price for one picture is RM2 and I had 7 in total. She took me to the counter and helped me to cut all the pictures. I was going to pay her RM14 when she returned the remaining RM4 to me. I was puzzled and was gonna hand her the RM4 when she just shook her head, smile and said "Never mind..it's okay!" I beamed at her and repeatedly thanked her non-stop.

So you see, simple kindness really touches me despite my day was such a mess and unorganised :) It only takes one small action to make a person's day. Do it!!!

The road not taken

Even though it is a public holiday but still some things really can make me go crazy and mad. Saw a series of "Dream catcher" at KSL earlier this morning. As much as I really like the designs of it, but I think I shouldn't stumble the other kids with this kinda thingy. So yea.. next time perhaps? 

Bought that little tiny Elmo keychain for Ethan but it is so adorable that I just had to keep it for myself. Ended up buying him the bigger version…it is still adorable anyway!

No matter how far I run, which road I took, in the end, the road will always lead me back to the same point. Just like how I wanna run away from God, from all the problems, from all the people, but in the end, I still have to face the music. This is life!

My boy turns 5

A big birthday shout out to my favourite little boy :) Blessed birthday Bernado!! Glad that I can still be part of it even though I am no longer a teacher. Recalling back to what happened last year, time really flies. Happy to see my God is working in this child's life and he is really growing into a fine boy. 

I don't need him to communicate with me in a perfect way but by just grabbing my hand a little tighter and hugging me tightly convey all he wants to say. Can't help listening to the Whatsapp voice note that his mommy send to me a few days back. Almost cried with joy when I hear his soft little voice saying "Thank you Teacher V. ..I love Thomas Shark Exhibit". Oh that's what I bought for him on his birthday. I know he will love it :)

Continue to grow up well my little boy. You are 5 years old now… and many more years to come :)

Hate it.

Yesterday was a day of emotions! Hate it when I don't have the slightest clue of what I am suppose to do. Hate it when I seems to lost passion into doing what I am doing. 

My darers are awesome! I seriously feel that they could go up to another level! Hate it when I don't know the right ways to deal with them. Hate it when there are so many things going on my mind and I can't say anything.

Hate it even more the days are passing by like a gush of wind and I realise it is too late to do anything. Hate it when I don't have a direction. Hate it when I always gets distracted by something…

I mean.. seriously man.. I don't like to use the word "hate" because it is harsh and hard. Alph always told me to not use it but I am sorry. I just had to because a lot are at the tip of my mouth and I had to swallow them in. So at least, in this space, let me say what I want. ..

….

Time flies!! Each day passes like wind! Can hardly slow down my pace. 

PS: The picture above has nothing to do with my ranting. Selina Bear is having her final examination and I am suppose to take leave to go up to KL to support her. Always wanted to go but I guess the timing is not right :( Nonetheless, I know my friend will definitely do well. Proud of her!!

Well.. work is as stress as ever. Everyday I am living a zombie life. No direction and really clueless!! I wish I know what to do. I wish my job scope don't have to include persuading, pleading and begging. Feeling really empty at times. Sigh..

Yet, I know this is where I should be right now till God says it is time for me to move on to another stage. I really wish I know what to do..

Good Friday

Not sure of how things are like at the moment. Insecurity kicks in.. sigh. I can never freed myself from this torment.

On the other side, today is Good Friday. Lord… thank you for dying for me on the cross. Compare to all the emotional attacks and torments that I go through, You suffered more. You said that by the cross, I will be set free, and right now, I really need to be set free. Please set me free Lord!!

On my way here

Speaking about life… I were never ashamed of my own life and the background. 

When I used to teach, Mani and I always like to listen to all these kinda songs while putting and coaxing the kids to sleep.

"On my way here" by Clay Aiken is actually a really sad and yet encouraging song about someone having a real bad background and has to be strong. "Faith has conquered fear". I really like the meaning of it. Yes, we won't be able to change our life stories. We have to learn the hard ways. We have to fall. We have to leave the ground and learn to fly. Yet, everything will work out in the end :) Sometimes all it takes is just a little bit of faith. Spread your wings and fly and faith will lead you to another side. Well, maybe… I mean maybe, I have grown up after all.

S.T.R.E.S.S

I am stress not because someone is scolding me or so. I am just afraid to disappoint anyone. Be it God or be it my boss or be it anyone around me. I am just afraid of failing anyone. 

PS: The above picture has nothing to do with this post. I just really miss the kids and I had to upload this!!

In work, I am a lone ranger!! Everything have to explore alone and fight alone. If there's result, everything is peaceful but if there's none, I have to go through the fear of being condemned. This is life!! Not that I am not trying hard but I really can't call the shot. Only my God can do this! God, what is the reason that you put me here in this company? Who do you want me to influence and what is the purpose?

With my bunch of darers, sigh… sometimes I felt like a failure. I know it is the devil!! The devil just can't stand seeing us having revival. They are kids/teens after all. Can't expect them to really be like an adult. One of them said, there is no bad student but only bad teacher. Ouchh! It pierced right through me! Well.. Father Lord.. the reason why I am doing all these is because You called me to. I will let no devils to destroy what You planned for me.

I miss my kids :(((

Heartfelt

Man…I was browsing through YouTube and going through all the oldies and I came to this. Never knew Jacky Cheung could sing english song so well. Okay, that's not the whole point. The lyrics and melody really captured me! It was so heartfelt :( 

You only get to hear this kinda song in movies, drama series, or weddings! Always cried when the bride walked down the aisle. It was just heartfelt.

There is one particular line that says "Love has found a way". In a very Viola's point of view, I would fantasise it in a very fairy tale like and romantic way. But in reality, all these are literally meaningless and too good to be true.

So, right now, I am thankful that Christ died for me 2000+ years ago and redeemed me by His perfect love. Love has definitely found a way because Christ found a way to my heart :)

PS: That aside, I still wanna cry to this song because the melody just caught me so badly…. heartfelt!!

Animals

There is something about this picture that really moves me. Look at that doggy's expression, so cute and  yet lonely. 

Was talking to Sarah earlier on during discipleship about what she is passionate about and she said animals. Lyrene's death has caused her to grow up in a way even though she was traumatised by it. I realised that we were both dreamers and dreams make us shiver at times.

My sunnies

Sometimes I wish I could capture the smiles of every single child in my life. They are just so pure and adorable. And it is always my dream to capture their smiles and keep it as a memory. 

Work has been stressful as I really do not know what else I can do to persuade and convince. Clients have their own reasons and assumptions and I am in no position to change their mindset. SO…it is always during moments like this, I will leave everything and drove straight to my hiding place.

I sometimes wish God will open another door for me. Nonetheless, I am so thankful that He gave me these little sunnies who brighten up my gloomy day. I am still a blessed girl :)

Le Bestie :)

Always thankful that Le Bestie is in JB and so close to me :) Whenever I needed someone, I will always text her and most of the time she will say "yes".

Things we did today:-

1) Had a very slow and nice brunch at Greenet

2) Chit chat till it rained and we have to stand under the rain just so I wanna take pictures of the love padlocks stairway and ended up running to the car soaked

3) Decided to go CS because she wanted to check out some Ironman stuffs

4) She insisted that she wanna buy me a keychain in exchange for our friendship ring :) Awwww… CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!

5) Help Le Bestie to shop for her brother's birthday present and we had sushi for dinner

6) She needs to check out some bridal exhibition for her projects and I ended up being her scapegoat while lying to those consultants that I am getting married :S

Love her to the max!! All the best in your assignments!! 

Sho cute

There is something about dinosaur that really attracts me. It is just plain cute. 

The darers

It is good witnessing a transformation in the lives of these youngsters. 

Hopefully I can experience a life transformation myself and ended up dealing with children!!

Growing up

Every stages in life is as painful as could be.. 

What I want is simple…. so long things are fine...

Sometimes I wish I have good news to tell buddy instead of having to assume that everything is gonna be alright. Whenever being asked how's my relationship, I always have to put on a brave front and say I don't know how long it is gonna last but I am hoping that it will be fine. 

Whereas, couple like them is already planning what they are going to do in the future. And yet I am still struggling to see if we are stable or not. 

This is now how a couple should be! Too carefree and lack of commitment… 

Recently..

Dating Le Bestie last Thursday and it was great!!!

Got the friendship ring that we always wanted!!
Watched Captain America and Divergent for that week and both are awesome. I don't mind watching it again.
Recently, things are going well between me and baby. Hopefully things will be real fine :) I need help believing me that you are mine.

:)

Disappointed

Correct!! I will never forget how every lies can turn into MORE lies. No matter how busy you are, a promise is a promise. Do what you promised instead of running away and pretend you never say anything before. 

I hate it every time when he said I will message you or I assure you because I know in the end I will always be the one who find him and he will never stick to what he said. So what now? How long do I wait? Years? Centuries?

People who don't give a shit of how others feel should really do some self-reflection!

Tears can't stop flowing. I am really a fool. All these time being played and cheated and I still haven't learn my lesson. 

He didn't want to bear any responsibilities

He just want to have fun and say bye

He didn't want to make any promises or give any assurance because it is easier to wash your hands off everything when problems come

He can't be bothered with all the things in the future because right now he is still a selfish man

He doesn't want to restart a relationship because according to him, it takes time and effort (which literally means he can't be bothered)

What he is thinking right now: "This girl is just a fool! I already can't be bothered with making promises and yet she still threw herself to me."

Wow!!

Faithful

I am nothing!! I am not important. Yes. That's right! Always worried that he will go and find another person which I really think he will. No matter how much he say he is not interested, but surely checking out other people is on the list. Which is why, I am nothing in his world. 

Don't come and lead me on and then treat me as if I am nothing. I am not everything but I needed attention too :(

Truth

Guess I am right. He never love me at all but it is all for the sake of that pleasure moment. 

I don't like it when it feels as if I am the one who is trying to get close and to mend things again. And he only get close when he wants to. That's freaking unfair. It is always me! He never wanted to tell me anything and everything.

Confusedddddddd

Alright I don't really know what status we are in right now. Sometimes, he can be real close, and sometimes, he can be really far away. It is like hot and cold!!!

I am getting all insecure again. Don't know what status it is when people ask. Hey, at least I am open to who is in my circle. I don't have the slightest clue who is around him and who he is contacting. Arghh. it is one of those days again. Darn it..

Life

Man. This whole week my work life has been a mess. Been suffering for these two months due to lack of sales intake or rather NO SALES at all!! 

Tonnage is already at stake and yet customer can fool around with me by cancelling order. GREAT!! Now what am I suppose to tell my boss about it? Sigh..

I wish I know what God is thinking. You led me here for a reason and now You need to find a way for me to go out too.

Strength

Sleep. Eat. Stone. Bored. 

I still wanna sleep!!! 5 more days to 21st!! Is it the 8th month? I guess so. No one will remember anyway but I do. Sigh.

SImple

As I gets older each day, I am looking at simplicity. Instead of spending time outside, I would rather sleep in and just sleep all day. 

Today is Barry's birthday! Poor boy is sick and lack of mood today. But as soon as the food was served, you can finally see him smile. These rascals are my cousins whom I loved and yet can't help being mad at them sometimes.

Cute

 Very cute picture!!

My Dream catcher is done!!!! And I am gonna plan for another tattoo.  What am I gonna get this time?? Hmm.. A rose? A windmill?

Dream catcher

Learning to build up my confident. Can't say it is perfect but slight improvement is better than nothing. 

Yayyy. Feeling excited that I am gonna get my dream catcher done tomorrow. Hopefully the outcome will be like what I am hoping for. Cecelia Ahern never fails to amaze me with her fantasies. I guess she was being chosen as my favourite author for a reason :)

My cough is coming back. Oh uh!! Hate it when I wanna sing along with my favourite songs and I got real croaked and hateful voice!!!

clueless

No idea which phase we are at right now :( 

Maybe all these could lead to us being strangers again. Man I don't want this. Or maybe, I said maybe he has already forgotten all about me and what we had in the past. Or even maybe, he enjoys his life right now that I am just a passerby :(

Oh God, please tell me what is happening!!

Currently...

Right now, I feel weak, tired, nausea, headache :( 

I just wanna vomit!!!
I don't wanna be sick!!!
I just want to sleep!

Selected

Couldn't agreed more with this quote that Le Bestie sent to me. In this life, I can't give everyone the same amount of attention and most importantly I can't please everyone! Life were meant to be selective at times. 

So yea, I am not going to let myself be bothered with all these tiny mini issues. Take it or accept it. This is how I am going to be. A selective life are only meant for some people. People who are important or people who is interested to be a part of your life. Can't go round being a doormat or a saint at all times.

:)

Despite being sick, I am still happy that today went smoothly. Went shopping with Mommy, slept and have dinner :) 

Glad that things are fine between us. At least no fights but more communications I hope. Please let things remain as they are as we slowly find the right method to communicate.

Coughing my lungs out and it is really painful :( Gonna just crash...

Non-stop

Watched Non-Stop by Liam Neeson last night and now everyone is afraid to fly. Wish the World could be a little bit more peaceful. 

Missing all those times that we had :( Hopefully things will turn out for the best. Gatherings will be a little awkward now as I don't know how to answer. Everyone will be expecting and yet.. I can't really say anything :((

Truth

Sometimes life just has to come this way. Sighhh

Heck it! I wanna get well and I want my strongbow!!! Losing my voice is a disaster!!

So true

Hopeless

When there is a better way out for us, you leave me with no choice or hope. My hope has been dashed and I feel hopeless right now. 

Yes. All thanks to you.. we are going to be the best strangers ever!! I will watch and see if you would go and initiate talking and dating other girls while leaving your so-called ex girlfriend broken and lost. You are doing such a good job in breaking people's heart.

Since it is absolutely hard for me to be an actress, I guess I'll just block him off. Deleting conversation doesn't help me to move on. I already given him enough time to think. It is very unfair for such coward to not initiate a conversation.

Disappointed

Just another day of disappointment where I felt like a fool. Obviously he doesn't give a shit at all. No initiation of messaging, just leave it hanging, no explanations, no apologies, NOTHING!! And he can say he actually loved me before. What a joke!

Not finding him is already a hard task for me because I am waiting to see if there is a hope or at least a miracle. Oh well, guess he blocked me. It is okay…! It is a matter of time! Just hope he is smart enough to not appear in front of me if that's what he is looking for. K thanks bye!

Freedom

I told Le Bestie, "I must be a real bad girl since I got dumped by the same person for so many times". Le Bestie said all the one I am the one who always plead him to come back. He never wanted to and perhaps he never loved me at all. 

So yea, he will definitely enjoy the life of freedom while getting to know other people whilst I have to try my best to forget. It seems so unfair. God, please send me someone new so that I won't keep thinking of him and thinking that my life has ended.

Outing

I am tired of initiating finding him and getting cold and unreasonable replies.  Intentionally skipped work today. Luckily today is a quiet day where no one bothers me with anything. Staying at home while being sick is making things worst. Therefore, I thought of this girl. Sensing that I am unhappy, she didn't reject my date and bringing all her homework and laptop. 

There she is doing her work whilst I helped her. All I could swallow was the ice-cream. She nagged and nagged at me for making her fat. I wanted those food too but too bad, my throat really couldn't afford to swallow anything. Forced her to sit at the park with me just because I was freezing and needed the sun. We did a mini photo shoot. Come to think of it, we knew each other for 11 years and we don't really have a proper photo shoot / album.

Shall dedicate an album and this post to her. Thanks for being there for me and making me feel special. I know you are trying to cheer me up. Sorry if I took up so much time. At least I felt happier for the whole day time. Night would be difficult for me but at least I would spend most time sleeping instead of  thinking and thinking. Love you loads :)

Envy

I think I'll be spamming my little World a lot today just because I got no one else to talk to. Kudos to me for staying awake with all these flus and stupid sore throat. Guess I'll either report to work late or don't show up at all. 

Wing asked me, "Why do you want to be in the same relationship after it failed you so many times?" To get married and multiply. Seeing couple like them who been through similar problems like me and yet manage to fight it off just because both sides are willing to compromise. Seeing that Jovan is willing to change and endure Wing's insecurity for more than 2 years and storms after storms touched me. 5 years of relationship and yet insecurity took up 80% of their time and yet they still want to be with each other. This is true love. Looking back at my case, perhaps he never love me to the extend of willing to fight of anything just to be with me. He gave up after each storms and therefore 7 months marked the end of our journey.

And so, happy that this couple is getting engaged soon :) They will be able to welcome the moment that I always wanted to embrace. Sometimes I think to myself, perhaps I would be a better wife rather than a girlfriend. Getting married means everything will be sealed and I won't be afraid that my husband will leave me. Sucks to know that every relationship will have to go through the process of dating which I failed completely. I need a more secure environment.

Let's see if I can even survive today!! It is a good thing that Mommy will be in Singapore these few days so she won't have time to check if I am doing okay.

Sick

To the one who created me and above,

Yesterday 4am and today 5am. You seriously wanna kill me by leaving me sleepless? 5 times!! Already 5 times!! Why do I always have to be sick at a time like this? Why do I always have to experience heartbreak more when the other party is free? Why do I always have to cry when the other party is so happy? 

Are you seriously kidding me? This is like the worst sore throat, worst flu, worst fever when I didn't even eat something to provoke it!! GM just mentioned in the meeting that we are not allowed to take MC and You put me in this kinda situation. GREAT!! 

Well God, You wanted me to be honest with my feelings and I am telling you right now that this is not cool!! I hate where I am right now. I hate whatever situations you are trying to show me. I don't care what sort of lessons or stuffs you want me to learn but ALL I am saying is it is not helping me to grow in my faith. Whilst my bible is still laying open on the floor when I rushed up yesterday when he called with all the bookmarks flying over, it still remains in the same position till now and I have no intention of picking it up. 

Look at me from above! And take me with you.

Confession from a daughter who has lost her will to even struggle

Hopeless

You leave me hopeless when all I want is to try to trust you. You purposely twist what I mean and accused me of something that I didn't do. 

Hung up my phone when I go crazy is totally not a cool thing when you are the one who provoked it. Please realise that you are capable of hurting and killing me with your words. Thanks and bye

guys

It always happened to selfish people who doesn't give a shit on how I feel. 

When he already know it hurts you, he still wanna make it worst by repeating all the things that he had done. He can act as if nothing happen after hurting you. I don't understand who gave him the right to be so cruel and self-centred

i can't sleep

Alright it is 4am in the morning and I am not asleep. Why is it that the other party can always sleep whilst I had to stay awake and torture myself with all these? 

 I know I am not a perfect person because I think too much. Still it doesn't give you the right to judge me for who I am because you don't know me at all. No one likes to think too much and it is not a nice feeling. Just because you don't give a shit, it doesn't mean it is easy for someone else.

 Yes. Judging by how you treated me, it really doesn't seems that you care. Because if you do, you would have understand the agony and anxiety of waiting. Perhaps I never really let you wait before and that's why you took things for granted. If only the situation were the other way round, perhaps you would be more considerate.

 Relationship is not a game where you wanna get into it due to good feelings and don't have the guts to stay on when troubles arise. 5 times I have been dumped by the same person and to be honest, I am a dumbass.

 That's exactly how I felt. Just admit that you didn't care as much as you think you are. I am not on the top of your list.

 This is how I wanna be at times. Unreasonable moments where all I want is your assurance that you will never leave me. Guess I was wrong.

Even if it is so, I still hope he could be that person. Being played out so many times but still hope things would be better.

DUMB ASS, you can be even more dumb!!