Recently..

Dating Le Bestie last Thursday and it was great!!!

Got the friendship ring that we always wanted!!
Watched Captain America and Divergent for that week and both are awesome. I don't mind watching it again.
Recently, things are going well between me and baby. Hopefully things will be real fine :) I need help believing me that you are mine.

:)

Disappointed

Correct!! I will never forget how every lies can turn into MORE lies. No matter how busy you are, a promise is a promise. Do what you promised instead of running away and pretend you never say anything before. 

I hate it every time when he said I will message you or I assure you because I know in the end I will always be the one who find him and he will never stick to what he said. So what now? How long do I wait? Years? Centuries?

People who don't give a shit of how others feel should really do some self-reflection!

Tears can't stop flowing. I am really a fool. All these time being played and cheated and I still haven't learn my lesson. 

He didn't want to bear any responsibilities

He just want to have fun and say bye

He didn't want to make any promises or give any assurance because it is easier to wash your hands off everything when problems come

He can't be bothered with all the things in the future because right now he is still a selfish man

He doesn't want to restart a relationship because according to him, it takes time and effort (which literally means he can't be bothered)

What he is thinking right now: "This girl is just a fool! I already can't be bothered with making promises and yet she still threw herself to me."

Wow!!

Faithful

I am nothing!! I am not important. Yes. That's right! Always worried that he will go and find another person which I really think he will. No matter how much he say he is not interested, but surely checking out other people is on the list. Which is why, I am nothing in his world. 

Don't come and lead me on and then treat me as if I am nothing. I am not everything but I needed attention too :(

Truth

Guess I am right. He never love me at all but it is all for the sake of that pleasure moment. 

I don't like it when it feels as if I am the one who is trying to get close and to mend things again. And he only get close when he wants to. That's freaking unfair. It is always me! He never wanted to tell me anything and everything.

Confusedddddddd

Alright I don't really know what status we are in right now. Sometimes, he can be real close, and sometimes, he can be really far away. It is like hot and cold!!!

I am getting all insecure again. Don't know what status it is when people ask. Hey, at least I am open to who is in my circle. I don't have the slightest clue who is around him and who he is contacting. Arghh. it is one of those days again. Darn it..

Life

Man. This whole week my work life has been a mess. Been suffering for these two months due to lack of sales intake or rather NO SALES at all!! 

Tonnage is already at stake and yet customer can fool around with me by cancelling order. GREAT!! Now what am I suppose to tell my boss about it? Sigh..

I wish I know what God is thinking. You led me here for a reason and now You need to find a way for me to go out too.

Strength

Sleep. Eat. Stone. Bored. 

I still wanna sleep!!! 5 more days to 21st!! Is it the 8th month? I guess so. No one will remember anyway but I do. Sigh.

SImple

As I gets older each day, I am looking at simplicity. Instead of spending time outside, I would rather sleep in and just sleep all day. 

Today is Barry's birthday! Poor boy is sick and lack of mood today. But as soon as the food was served, you can finally see him smile. These rascals are my cousins whom I loved and yet can't help being mad at them sometimes.

Cute

 Very cute picture!!

My Dream catcher is done!!!! And I am gonna plan for another tattoo.  What am I gonna get this time?? Hmm.. A rose? A windmill?

Dream catcher

Learning to build up my confident. Can't say it is perfect but slight improvement is better than nothing. 

Yayyy. Feeling excited that I am gonna get my dream catcher done tomorrow. Hopefully the outcome will be like what I am hoping for. Cecelia Ahern never fails to amaze me with her fantasies. I guess she was being chosen as my favourite author for a reason :)

My cough is coming back. Oh uh!! Hate it when I wanna sing along with my favourite songs and I got real croaked and hateful voice!!!

clueless

No idea which phase we are at right now :( 

Maybe all these could lead to us being strangers again. Man I don't want this. Or maybe, I said maybe he has already forgotten all about me and what we had in the past. Or even maybe, he enjoys his life right now that I am just a passerby :(

Oh God, please tell me what is happening!!

Currently...

Right now, I feel weak, tired, nausea, headache :( 

I just wanna vomit!!!
I don't wanna be sick!!!
I just want to sleep!

Selected

Couldn't agreed more with this quote that Le Bestie sent to me. In this life, I can't give everyone the same amount of attention and most importantly I can't please everyone! Life were meant to be selective at times. 

So yea, I am not going to let myself be bothered with all these tiny mini issues. Take it or accept it. This is how I am going to be. A selective life are only meant for some people. People who are important or people who is interested to be a part of your life. Can't go round being a doormat or a saint at all times.

:)

Despite being sick, I am still happy that today went smoothly. Went shopping with Mommy, slept and have dinner :) 

Glad that things are fine between us. At least no fights but more communications I hope. Please let things remain as they are as we slowly find the right method to communicate.

Coughing my lungs out and it is really painful :( Gonna just crash...

Non-stop

Watched Non-Stop by Liam Neeson last night and now everyone is afraid to fly. Wish the World could be a little bit more peaceful. 

Missing all those times that we had :( Hopefully things will turn out for the best. Gatherings will be a little awkward now as I don't know how to answer. Everyone will be expecting and yet.. I can't really say anything :((

Truth

Sometimes life just has to come this way. Sighhh

Heck it! I wanna get well and I want my strongbow!!! Losing my voice is a disaster!!

So true

Hopeless

When there is a better way out for us, you leave me with no choice or hope. My hope has been dashed and I feel hopeless right now. 

Yes. All thanks to you.. we are going to be the best strangers ever!! I will watch and see if you would go and initiate talking and dating other girls while leaving your so-called ex girlfriend broken and lost. You are doing such a good job in breaking people's heart.

Since it is absolutely hard for me to be an actress, I guess I'll just block him off. Deleting conversation doesn't help me to move on. I already given him enough time to think. It is very unfair for such coward to not initiate a conversation.

Disappointed

Just another day of disappointment where I felt like a fool. Obviously he doesn't give a shit at all. No initiation of messaging, just leave it hanging, no explanations, no apologies, NOTHING!! And he can say he actually loved me before. What a joke!

Not finding him is already a hard task for me because I am waiting to see if there is a hope or at least a miracle. Oh well, guess he blocked me. It is okay…! It is a matter of time! Just hope he is smart enough to not appear in front of me if that's what he is looking for. K thanks bye!

Freedom

I told Le Bestie, "I must be a real bad girl since I got dumped by the same person for so many times". Le Bestie said all the one I am the one who always plead him to come back. He never wanted to and perhaps he never loved me at all. 

So yea, he will definitely enjoy the life of freedom while getting to know other people whilst I have to try my best to forget. It seems so unfair. God, please send me someone new so that I won't keep thinking of him and thinking that my life has ended.

Outing

I am tired of initiating finding him and getting cold and unreasonable replies.  Intentionally skipped work today. Luckily today is a quiet day where no one bothers me with anything. Staying at home while being sick is making things worst. Therefore, I thought of this girl. Sensing that I am unhappy, she didn't reject my date and bringing all her homework and laptop. 

There she is doing her work whilst I helped her. All I could swallow was the ice-cream. She nagged and nagged at me for making her fat. I wanted those food too but too bad, my throat really couldn't afford to swallow anything. Forced her to sit at the park with me just because I was freezing and needed the sun. We did a mini photo shoot. Come to think of it, we knew each other for 11 years and we don't really have a proper photo shoot / album.

Shall dedicate an album and this post to her. Thanks for being there for me and making me feel special. I know you are trying to cheer me up. Sorry if I took up so much time. At least I felt happier for the whole day time. Night would be difficult for me but at least I would spend most time sleeping instead of  thinking and thinking. Love you loads :)

Envy

I think I'll be spamming my little World a lot today just because I got no one else to talk to. Kudos to me for staying awake with all these flus and stupid sore throat. Guess I'll either report to work late or don't show up at all. 

Wing asked me, "Why do you want to be in the same relationship after it failed you so many times?" To get married and multiply. Seeing couple like them who been through similar problems like me and yet manage to fight it off just because both sides are willing to compromise. Seeing that Jovan is willing to change and endure Wing's insecurity for more than 2 years and storms after storms touched me. 5 years of relationship and yet insecurity took up 80% of their time and yet they still want to be with each other. This is true love. Looking back at my case, perhaps he never love me to the extend of willing to fight of anything just to be with me. He gave up after each storms and therefore 7 months marked the end of our journey.

And so, happy that this couple is getting engaged soon :) They will be able to welcome the moment that I always wanted to embrace. Sometimes I think to myself, perhaps I would be a better wife rather than a girlfriend. Getting married means everything will be sealed and I won't be afraid that my husband will leave me. Sucks to know that every relationship will have to go through the process of dating which I failed completely. I need a more secure environment.

Let's see if I can even survive today!! It is a good thing that Mommy will be in Singapore these few days so she won't have time to check if I am doing okay.

Sick

To the one who created me and above,

Yesterday 4am and today 5am. You seriously wanna kill me by leaving me sleepless? 5 times!! Already 5 times!! Why do I always have to be sick at a time like this? Why do I always have to experience heartbreak more when the other party is free? Why do I always have to cry when the other party is so happy? 

Are you seriously kidding me? This is like the worst sore throat, worst flu, worst fever when I didn't even eat something to provoke it!! GM just mentioned in the meeting that we are not allowed to take MC and You put me in this kinda situation. GREAT!! 

Well God, You wanted me to be honest with my feelings and I am telling you right now that this is not cool!! I hate where I am right now. I hate whatever situations you are trying to show me. I don't care what sort of lessons or stuffs you want me to learn but ALL I am saying is it is not helping me to grow in my faith. Whilst my bible is still laying open on the floor when I rushed up yesterday when he called with all the bookmarks flying over, it still remains in the same position till now and I have no intention of picking it up. 

Look at me from above! And take me with you.

Confession from a daughter who has lost her will to even struggle

Hopeless

You leave me hopeless when all I want is to try to trust you. You purposely twist what I mean and accused me of something that I didn't do. 

Hung up my phone when I go crazy is totally not a cool thing when you are the one who provoked it. Please realise that you are capable of hurting and killing me with your words. Thanks and bye

guys

It always happened to selfish people who doesn't give a shit on how I feel. 

When he already know it hurts you, he still wanna make it worst by repeating all the things that he had done. He can act as if nothing happen after hurting you. I don't understand who gave him the right to be so cruel and self-centred

i can't sleep

Alright it is 4am in the morning and I am not asleep. Why is it that the other party can always sleep whilst I had to stay awake and torture myself with all these? 

 I know I am not a perfect person because I think too much. Still it doesn't give you the right to judge me for who I am because you don't know me at all. No one likes to think too much and it is not a nice feeling. Just because you don't give a shit, it doesn't mean it is easy for someone else.

 Yes. Judging by how you treated me, it really doesn't seems that you care. Because if you do, you would have understand the agony and anxiety of waiting. Perhaps I never really let you wait before and that's why you took things for granted. If only the situation were the other way round, perhaps you would be more considerate.

 Relationship is not a game where you wanna get into it due to good feelings and don't have the guts to stay on when troubles arise. 5 times I have been dumped by the same person and to be honest, I am a dumbass.

 That's exactly how I felt. Just admit that you didn't care as much as you think you are. I am not on the top of your list.

 This is how I wanna be at times. Unreasonable moments where all I want is your assurance that you will never leave me. Guess I was wrong.

Even if it is so, I still hope he could be that person. Being played out so many times but still hope things would be better.

DUMB ASS, you can be even more dumb!!

Too hurt

Why is it so hard to be me? Why is it so hard for him to accept a person like me? 

Why is it so hard to let go when I am already in pain and full of bitterness?

The dream

It is hard to find this kind of guy in this World now.

Maybe I accidentally let go of someone like that in my past. Oh well… punishment is ahead of me now for not treasuring.

Too late

I guess it is too late for me to not be that "second" choice. I am and forever will be. Just because I am a rebound. 

Waiting like a fool
Crying like a fool
"Dearest heart, when will you wake up and be cruel instead? Instead of you being hurt by someone who doesn't know that you are waiting and keeps being cruel to you? "

Can it be?

Why is it so hard for him to love me? Relationship takes both hands to clap. There is always a reason why a person is insecure. There is always a reason to every cause. Why is it so hard for him to understand? 

Why is it so hard to meet a person like that?

When the night comes..

Hate it when it is at night and I've got no where else to go.

My mind is blank and I am lost!!

 Please don't ever ever hurt me again with unfulfilled promises.

If only you could be me just for a day and you will know how I felt…and why do I acted this way. I do not want to explain myself anymore.

Sweet dreams World!

Trust

I am just feeling lost and confuse right now. A big part of me still want this relationship badly and yet I am afraid that he is not gonna keep his words. Buddy told me, stop and skip all the "understanding each other's procedure" and just make my point straight. After talking to her, we realise that the root of the problem is that girl and my struggles in accepting the fact that I am a rebound. 

If he is not willing to oblige in the one and only thing that I am insecure about, it could only be one reason - HE DOESN'T LOVE ME (from beginning till the end) Yes. It is true that most guys find it difficult to stay away from girls, especially hot and pretty one. BUT loyal guys will be able to refrain themselves from it, just because they love each other too much and they are willing to forgo everything just for the sake to be with each other. Just like my buddy's boyfriend!! He is not dumb but loyal.

Even like right now, I am trying my best to trust that he didn't do anything behind my back and I hope he will stick to that. If not I will really feel that I am being used as a tool for him to move on or for convenience sake and I'll be ditch forever. I just want somebody to love me genuinely because it is not easy to give your heart away and not be appreciated.