Numbed

A warm greeting to all dearest ones. In less than a week, i will be back to Home Sweet Home. Don't really

want to ...but sometimes choices were not meant for me to make. I don't have a choice in every circumstances. It is either give up both side or choose the narrow road instead of the wider one.  Machi Zhi Xian has flew to China for some internship thingy. Will definitely miss her a lot, especially when i know i'll be alone in church. May God bless her with journey mercy.......and i pray that she will come back to me soon XD

Before i start, let me warn you first.This shall be a super emo nemo post, for i am not in my best mood right now. I have a lot to say and a lot to tell.........and yet, i can't tell it to anybody. So, in the end, blog is the only place where i can vent out everything.

 Finally, i managed to ciao with the girls. Ciao Italia definitely serve the best tiramisu ever. Even the pasta were good =) I am so so so gonna miss it. I loved talking to the girls even though i know that things are definitely changing. Will things ever be the same again if i manage to rewind the time back before i made this fateful decision? Will we be able to pass His tests for us? I will miss you girls for sure. Give me 2 years time! I'll definitely come back to fulfill my dream =) Maybe things wouldn't be the same anymore, but i know God will be the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And He always have His plans ready for me. Thank you for giving me strength and encouragement when i broke down crying yesterday. You girls believe that i am stronger than this. Indeed, i wanna be strong again.......give me some time to let go.

My first and final experience. Well...at least it is the last for the timebeing..but i'll never let this passion of mine to fade. I'll train myself for this. Well done guys....even though we always don't think we have done a great job, but i believe we definitely touched God with our voices. Remember, we are singing for the sake of glorifying His name. He will be proud of what we have done for He knows our name. It is definitely a wonderful experience for me for this is what i always wanted to do. I am glad i manage to get Edwina, Justina and Alain to perform with me this time. If not, i am not sure if i can even face all this alone. Thank you guys....

I can't do it. I still cannot do it. I can't let go which i don't know why. All the while, i have stopped praying about this anymore for i think i am impatient. I can't wait for God to give me specific answer to what i have been seeking. I don't know what God wants me to do. I don't know God's purpose for putting him in my life. There is no way i could talk to him. There is no way i could know him more nor even can i face him directly. I thought it will fade.........really...i didn't want to think about all these anymore but why? Why am i such a weakling? Why can't i just let go? I cannot take it. I really cannot. This kind of feeling is like so near yet so far. You wouldn't understand how hard is it to let go? Because i am the one who take this initiative to take a step closer to you. No one can understand the torment behind these fake smiles and laughters of mine. No matter how strong a person is, she is still a human and i will break down too. So for now, readers, please let me vent out everything out from the bottom of my heart. Let me feel better.

I don't understand why they wanna force me. Maybe they just didn't want me to regret. Maybe they think it will be stupid of me for leaving without doing anything. I can't even think of a better explaination apart from apologizing. I know i should just let this matter rest and pretend that those messages were from me. But i guess, i still care..........and hence, if i don't do it, i will go sleepless for days. I know we can't control a person's feeling. I don't want anything from you except that you are willing to treat me as a friend and talk to me like normal. I am weak. I am unworthy. I don't know what has gone wrong with me. I really don't know.........maybe i just didn't want to leave.....

Maybe maybe maybe...there are lots of possibilities..........ggggrrrrrrrrrr......all of a sudden, i don't know what to write. Forget it! Nobody will care anyway...... in the end, i am still the only person who can save myself. I seriously cannot let myself fall apart. I just wanna say, thanks for being my motivator. Because of you, i tend to pick up my musical dreams which i have long given up. Because of you, i have the urge of not losing to anybody but to continue to live beneath my dreams. Because of your passion in serving and in Christ, it inspire me to walk stronger with God each day. Never will i laugh at myself for not having the guts to step into a club for i think i just like the way things fall according to place. So what if i never step into a club throughout my whole life? I believe there are better places to hang out =P And because of your perseverance in everything, it makes me wanna do just the same as you are. You'll never know all these..........but it is the truth. You saved me....when i thought God has forsaken me. Maybe this is the reason why God send you to my life. You may think you are only a normal human.......but you'll never know how much you have influenced me in my life and as well as my christianity walk. Watching you worshipping God with all your heart really cause me to break down. Thanks for being who you are.......

Okay.......i ve finish venting out what i wanna say. Even though it is not all..but this is all i can think of. I just wanna stay strong.....Sorry if i make you guys worried...........don't worry about it guys, I am fine. Viola will always be Viola. I won't be defeated that easily =P Sooner or later, i'll be as crazy as usual XD