妥协

伤过
痛过
哭过
我累了
真的 。。。好累
越是想保护却一直被误会
我放手了

这一次，我妥协了
害怕的感觉依旧还在
但，我的眼泪已分不清是害怕或心痛的泪水了

爱到妥协
到头来还是无解
绑着你不让你飞
历史不断重演
我好累

爱到妥协
也无法将故事再重写
你已下最后通牒
我躲在我的世界

我。。。。不能再任性了

遗憾

好久好久都没有跟随“守护神”的更新了。 她一直都是我很崇拜的作者。她的乐观的思想和努力真的让人很敬佩。

自从我的Fujitsu死了后， 我就再也没有写作了。 一来是我懒惰，另一方面是我没有勇气再继续写。岁月真的不留人。 一转眼，三年就过去了！我沉醉在写作也是三年前的事情了。这些日子以来，我到底在忙些什么，我也不太清楚。我的梦想好像也离我越来越远了。 我不想就这样让它离去。 我已经浪费了足足23年， 我也没有许多的23年可以在逍遥自在了。

我在感情上的缺乏安全感真的让我很痛苦。我满脑子都在想着该怎么样保留。每天都把自己搞得神经兮兮的。 也让我不知觉的伤害我身边许多无辜的人。 我在此感到非常抱歉。真的真的很对不起！！感情不是一切。我没有办法控制未来，也没有办法保证我一定能够保留那一位。我唯一能做的就是把自己培养成一位秀气的人。上帝又再一次打动了我。 虽然是透过守护神，但我知道这使上帝安排的。 他带我回到过去，点醒了我， 让我见识了以前那位热情和积极的我。他让我认识了以前的自己，也要我学会如何解放。有些改变固然是好事，但也不代表我该完完全全的将自己埋葬起来。他让我知道我其实还有梦想。 我也能够为自己做些什么。。。。 梦想真的还存在？！我的新世界，对，那就是我的梦想。 那个充满欢乐的旅游计划，见证一个一个梦想被实现的感动时刻，那个充实的自己。

我还能够从新来过吗？现在才想继续写作，会不会太迟了一点？人生总会有很多遗憾。有些事情一旦错过了，就不能再回头了。 现在的我已经顾不了那么多了， 我要将那个女孩唤醒！！！这一次重生的我，不会再为了谁而努力，而是为了我！！！

You are such a dumb ass that talking to you won't help at all!!!! You will NEVER understand how hard is it for me to accept!!!!

For Christ sake, just DON'T even try!!!

Coming to two months..

Every 21st of every months will be our month-sary. Coming to two and we have already been through a lot. 

People said, every first three months to six months of every couple will be sweet and nice. A term which they called "Honeymoon" period. You wanna know the truth? I don't think it is honeymoon for me because this isn't what I expected in a relationship. All the pains, hurts and arguments and all the insecurities are really a nuisance. I can't take it. Really, I don't think I can even take it.

Oh well, look on the bright side. We came a long way and we experienced things way earlier than  normal couples do. So, hopefully it will be a path for us to be mature and stable. Still looking forward to more....

Sometimes when a girl said No, it is usually the other way round. I can't believe how insensitive you can be at times. 

When I am upset, I hope you can be there for me instead of leaving me just alone. My upsets are caused by you and I hope you can be there. I am already not blaming you for it. Just hope that you can be sensitive about it instead of leaving me just ALONE.

Finally...

Finally, I am done with all these trainings. Not sure what's my next step but I am definitely very happy to be back home. Been missing my bed and petrol expenses are a pain in the ass. 

Bar.B.Q Plaza reminds me of my foundation days with the girls. We will come here more than three times in a week and we are never tired of it. It is different without you girls :(  I miss all the photo sessions before eating and our superb long chats.

Anyway, since I have already deactivated my Facebook account, I shall come here very often. Things are not getting better huh? My buddy Xuan used to tell me, for the starting, guys always took the initiative and they will be extra sweet to you. As time goes by, you will realize you actually stare at them more than they do. You actually care more than they do. I feel it now!!! I "hate" to experience changes in love. Sorry Alph, but I used the word "hate" again. It is just very unfair. I am very loyal and true. I don't change the way I love someone so I hope that person won't change too. Love is not all about testing and precautions. It is not even about trying. If I have to experience all these, then what's the point of falling in love?

Bon Voyage BB

So BB finally left for Newcastle. She always wanted to experience life overseas and I am glad she finally is able to pursue after her dreams :) 

At times like this, I really misses her. She has always been a real encourager to me and I wish she were here.This post is for her and I shan't say so much about myself.

BB Kelly, since our schooling days till now, you have never once left me. Even when I was back in Australia, you are the first person who Skype me. I am just so glad that I know you in life. You never fail to lift me up when I was down. I just wanna say "Thank You" for knowing me and accepting me for who I am. All the best over there and I am waiting to hear good news from you. You are awesome and I love you max :)

..

I always thought I don't need the whole world to understand me as long as God understands me and that's enough. In fact, I still think the same!!! Why try so hard to get someone to understand you? In the end, there will only be lots and lots of misunderstandings. People will think you are an asshole even when your intention is good.

Father Lord, I only need You to understand me and all else don't matter anymore. I am sorry if I chose to give up. You taught me in Your words that serving You and coming to Your house would be the most joyous thing ever...but I don't feel that way anymore. Perhaps this is not the right place You intended for me. Even so, if it is Your plan, You will definitely create a path for me.

UNO

Finally, it is over. Resolutions has been made and hopefully things work out. 

I know things will never be the same again. No matter how much I tried... I know damages has been done and no matter how much you try to heal the wounds, it is still gonna be there. No amount of "Sorry" can retrieve what I said and no amount of regrets can bring back what was lost.

Do I still wanna hang on even when things are never the same again? I don't know. I am really tired Lord... I am! Why are You doing this to me? Why do I feel so abandoned and alone?

A new day has come

When the tide is low, do not fret, it is just about to turn. 

Despite the fact that I am born active and extrovert, there are fears in my life. My greatest fear is missing home. As much as I love to go out, I will always long to go back to my own house at the end of the day. Come to think of it, when I was young, I am always happy and eager to invite my friends to stay over at my place but when they do the same thing, I will hesitate and reject them in the end. I cried during the first night in camp. Everyone thought I am a strong person because I made them feel comfortable and  happy but deep down inside, I just want to go home. I cried during the first I moved to Subang. I burst out crying immediately when Momsy bid me goodbye during my trip back to JB. I cried immediately when Momsy and Daddy stepped into the airport.

Now that I am all alone here, it is really tough for me. I just want to go home. Every time when I am awake, I would feel happy that another new day has come which means the day I am going home is near. Why does all these have to take place? I feel so lonely and lost in this scary hotel room. I need somebody to be here with me.

Heartwrenching

I swear I have never cried so much in my entire life. This has got to be one record breaking moment to remember. I couldn't feel my heart. It's too wrenched and broken. 

Never been this hurt before to have someone who meant a lot to you going back on their words. Everything that they promised seem so far away. How stupid and naive of me to believe in happily ever after. Fairytales don't exist!!!! I should have known that too well.  Why did I believe so easily? No one is really truthful with their promises. All promises can be break. And I realized, I am not the cold-blooded princess that I think I am. I must have sunk in too deep. I cared much more than I thought....

Oh God, it is too painful and I wish You can just take me away now. Take me please..

Hi kids :)

It has been a few months since I last seen my kids. Always missing them and I want to be with them. Whenever I am really down, I'll look across the side of my room and I get to see them. They are all over my room and they make me smile.

I was a bit nervous when I stepped into the school. Will they forget me? What if they didn't allow me to carry them? I was wrong!! They remember me :) Some were a little shy but so far so good. Oh man..I just miss those times..

Grow up well darlings. Hope to see you soon :)