last event in JB before i go back...

sweet memories of SHE

aiks...i am back in Subang already.so sad......i missed JB a lot.i am back on thursday(18th December 2008). time really flies.......year 2008 is ending and my semester 2 is starting real soon.

now........before i come back here,i had a most exciting time the night before. i planned an early birthday surprise for Selina Bear. Hebe Ting joined me also.heehehe...we bought a small cake for her and just a little birthday present. mummy made us yam cake. together my family, Hebe Ting, Barry and sister Lam celebrated it with her.it was such an exciting night. we went to Baskin Robbin after our meal. we chatted a lot. long live SHE.i love them. i missed my mummy and daddy too...and everything in JB. i longed to go back there.

timetable for Semester 2 is out.and it is not at all nice. i will have less time with dar dar.i hate it....aiks.....but nevermind......leave everything to fate.........!i hope my life won't be that miserable.....gambateh to me...

leaving home soon..

BARRY AND SILLY DAR DAR

ME AND JENNIFER,MY BESTY

BEST FRIEND FOREVER...

hello hello hi...........sorry for not updating for quite sometimes.say me lazy or say me busy.i only know i have got something very important to attend to....hehehe...

during the holidays,i wasn't a help to my mum.hehe..i was a burden to her by messing around her beautiful and clean house.sorry mum...hehe..anyway..i was happy that i could spend some times with my family.taking care of Barry is already a get-used thingy for us.anyway.....i am going back to Subang Jaya real soon.i don't really like the thought of going back to at nasty place.the one and only thing and person that urge me to go back is my future and of course dar dar.Study is the major thing that brought me to that monstrous place. hate to study of course..but no choice,i have to.

i was surprised that mummy suddenly had a change of her mind. i remembered vividly during last year,around this time too,i was like..quarreling and arguing with her at most days to fight for my permission to further my studies straight in Australia. First, is because i can have my freedom soon. second,is because i want to lead an independent life in a safer place. due to National Service,i lost the chances of entering Singapore. so here i am ,stepping in Taylors. surprisingly, mum said i could go straight to Australia right after my foundation. i was shocked and happy too. because i really wanna fly there.i wanna work also..so that i won't have to spend mummy's money so much.i dread asking her for money.........!yet...i have dar dar to think of.he didn't really want me to go.........!but then...i really love that country..although i know i will misses my parents, my family, my friends and everything i had......

met baobei on the 5th of December 2008. went shopping with her. and chatted with her a lot.we went to our most familiar places, CS. that is the place which contains most of our sweetest and priceless memories. although we seldom have time to gather..but the spirit of "The Pistachio's" shall last.we rulezz.......thanks for all the console and priceless suggestion, sweety.

alright...enough of Aussie thingy...now i will tell about my meeting with my besty, Jennifer. hehe...eversince dar dar went back to KL, i chatted with him mostly through sms or video chat.hehe....but then i was lonely also. so Jennifer came to my place last saturday(13/12/2008).i was damn happy....for the last time i met her was around july. we exchanged news.talked about so many thingy.i realised we are the same.i was sorta click with her with most of the thing. yeah yeah..we are bestfriend forever.

and also..my NS good friend, Lam has come to work for my mum. i think she is kind of can't catch up.so i hope she can work harder.for the timebeing,she is staying with us in Taman Molek. so she often joined us for dinner or everthing. went for a movie with mummy,daddy, jennifer besty and Lam. Watched TWILIGHT. oh my god...i seriously loved this movie. the most romantic movie i ever watched. i meant to buy a series of the book. and i wanna watch it with Dar dar again when i go back.hope it still shows. and i meant to download the movie and watch is all over again.oh my god.....hehehe..

anyway...mummy is bringing little barry back again today(15/12/2008).i hope i have a most enjoyable time managing this little rascal.meanwhile....HAPPY 2 YEARS OLD BIRTHDAY TO DEAREST ZAI ZAI. zai zai is also my cousin in Singapore,which is my uncle's son. he is so lonely...poor zai zai. i love him so much......

till here.....i am going back real soon. i am not willing to...T.T..sob sob....

Giving up?

Final exams will officially start tommorow. And that means semester 1 is ending real soon!yippeeeeeeee...........this is the only happiest part of the whole process. I am feeling damn happy because...i can go home soon. HOME SWEET HOME.

and yet......to struggle for this whole week is not a nice thing to do so because........i am not well-prepared.NOW...back to my memories long ago....i hate to hear people saying" hey i am so damn scare because i didn't study at all!die lar..i don't know anything.or Oh my god...i fail for sure this time" AGAIN........i think of it as fiddlestick. Those who says that are definitely well-prepared and confident. Ishhhh...it really gets on my nerve to hear people say that. For in my opinion, those who dare to say that are definitely confident and comfirm they can score well if nothing goes wrong. Why can't they just be honest?aiks........it really does spoil my mood. For i can't stand people saying those thing infront of me then they score excellent results.Ishhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................and i don't think it is all due to lucks. for i don't believe in that.

back to me,..........i admit i did not make full use of the time i have. i didn't study much. and yet......i do not feel afraid.for me, i do not care whether i can get a High distinction or not as long as i do not fail in my subjects. That is enough for me. But the thing is...i am honest. if i did not study means i did not study. it is up to you whether you want to believe in it or not. fail or pass...is just another matter. if i fail..means all i have to do is just to re-take the subject and to work hard all over again. but there is another opinion or thinking occurs to me. won't it be a waste of time? won't it be a waste of money?

and i feel like giving up too. why don't i just choose not to study in the first place?i know it will break my parent's heart. But what is the use of studying if my aim is just to pass my subject? then i might as well choose the route of just give up all my sudies and be just a sweeper and a toilet cleaner? this is my DREAM....which i used to answer my friends whenever they asked me of my dream. i don't know...............i don't know....

i just feel so hopeless. it is really a stress to see other people catching up so fast whilst i have to struggle behind them. it makes me feel as if i am very stupid. but i can't blame anyone. it is my fault for being lazy........but aiks........speechless. no comment.....

all i can do now..is just to do final touch-up and pray hard before i enter the exam hall(place of life and death). i am a bit too exaggerting i guess. but nevermind...........there is still chances for me to ammend. i have such a long way to go........and i don't believe i am forever a failure. it doesn't matter how the other look at me...whether i am a successful person or a failure...as long as i follow my quote "i am who i am"..............

to baobei, vonny and so-called friend, Star aka Yong sin, and all the form 5 candidates, all the best for the coming SPM. finally, at last, you guys made it to this day. how was form 5 life?great?good? haha........i am sure you guys enjoyed damn lots. although exam is coming soon, but i guess you guys are well-prepared.don't do last minute work like me. good lucks and add oil..........you guys can do it........jia you jia you jia you...................

it is haunting me again...................

Hey guys..i am back....getting lazier and lazier to update. afterall...who will care about whether i did update or not? once upon a time, only Baobei, my so-called good friend, star aka yong sin, my invisible reader, Vonny, and my buddy, Sufee will. But now.....Sufee has withdraw himself from the world of internet. And the other 3 loyal readers have to compete against their SPM. So who will care about it? haha...so once again...my bloggie will be left alone for quite sometimes. but i will wait for you guys to be back again once more...

After staying here for quite a period, i found out that, i still hasn't adapt much to the life here. Oh fiddlestick! i admit i have already adapt to the life here...whether i am busy with schoolwork, assignments or even those lousy, unnecessary problems as well as friendship and personal problems. despite all of these, i have actually getting used to the life here. still....in conclusion...it can't be deny that this place DOESN'T suits me at all. i really don't like this place for it is like sucking all my happiness away. i misses JB like shit......!Li Xuan has written at her personal message that "JB people misses their home easily". I totally agree with this sentence.

But have you ever wonder why do we misses our home? the answer is easy...that's because we don't like this place...and that we can hardly find happiness here. In this monstrous place, all we can do is just to study, browse through the net reading blogs to blogs, wasting time and as well as sleeping. If we seriously enjoyed ourselves in the first place, we wouldn't have misses our home damn much!!friends?i have plenty. it is just a real, heart-bonded friend is extremely hard to find. I can never get someone whom i can pour out my real feeling to.aiks....forget about those reasons and explanations...overall..i still wanna say...i have no fate with this place and therefore i can never be happy here.

Words can bring millions of meanings. And your words meant a lot to me!Everything you say, i assumed it is all true. And every promises you made, i assumed you will fulfill it. But now...you are twisting your words. And i am not afraid to say...it hurts!!i feel as if i can never smile again...........!but again...sorry...it is not your fault!perhaps it is mine....!You turned me into who i am today. You turned me into someone who always want to rely on others.You turned me into such a crazy person who gets worry unnecessary. You turned me into a person who can hardly rest my brain. You turned me into a person who is willing to give all my laughters and happiness away. You turned me into such a weakling.Have you ever wonder where does all these great imagination comes from? and why do i have such ridiculous thinking? it all comes from YOU.........but i doubt you will understand all these...for you can't even answer such a simple question from me...!tell me...in this monstrous place, who i can rely on?Do you really know what i want? Have you actually care about what i want from the bottom of my heart?

This lyrics kept on ringing on my mind....and i can't help humming the tunes and starts singing along with it. the song sang by Westlife..."If your heart's not in it for real, please don't try to fake what you don't feel. If love's already gone...its not fair to lead me on. Cause i would give the whole world for you.......Everything you ask of me, i do. But i won't ask you to stay, i rather walk away....If your heart's not in it................." Deeper and deeper i sank....all those strugglings and yearnings are making me to lose my control....!when can i ever find the way out? To the "You" out there, i doubt you will read this blog.......although i have promises to respect your decision, to return you all your freedom, would not suspect you, but still...i wanna say "I miss you"...............

I have been wearing a mask eversince the first day i come here. all i want is just to be myself. but why does it seem so hard? I can't seem to please anyone here.....everyone was like having their own styles and personalities. You can never satisfy any of them. I just wanna be myself.......

Baobei and Vonny....i misses you guys!i can only be my real, true self whenever i am with you guys. For in this world, excluding my closest kins, you guys are the only one who can accept the real me. And i am afraid of losing the spirit of "The Pistachio's"!and also my SHE's members....girls...i missed you....!whenever i am hopeless, you are the one that always pop out of my mind..........

Do not fret.....above are just something which popped out of my mind...which i feel i should jot it down since i was in a writing mood and that i have no one whom i could share my story to. Phone bill is much too expensive...so i can't call Baobei they all.........!but anyway....bloggie is ending soon..so everything will be alright. There will always be a better tomorrow for me..........wish me lucks!ciaozzz...

vexed?boring?wasting time?...old memories?

ishhh.....i always wanted weekends to come soon...but when it comes,i hate it.for it was like a waste of time. i was doing nothing for one whole day due to this hateful and sickening headache of mine. i don't know why. i did slept early last night. and woke up around 8.30am. yet...i can feel my head spinning. i thought i could recover in a short while..but who knows, it lasted for one whole day. and so...i have got no mood to study at all. and the most hateful thing is that i can't even fall alseep. This stupid headache won't leave me alone.Dar dar is sick too. I hope he rest well and gets enough sleep. But i am sure he won't for he will gets himself all stressed up for the coming presentations.

My baobei and vonny were sick too. Baobei was kept under observant for there is possibility for her to get dengue. i hope she will recover soon.and vonny too. for their SPM is coming real soon. what a funny thing!!both three of us gets sick at the same time. Who are we? "THE PISTACHIO'S" of course.

aiks.....so what can i do? my roommate, Huay Kee's went out early in the morning.i thought my housemates they all will boom the house early in the morning but surprisingly, they were not at home. this is the quietest weekend i ever had since i come here.to have the whole house to my own is such a rare opportunity. you might have think that i can do lots of things....but sadly...i can't even study. all i can do is just listen to songs, surfing the net and sleep.T.T...it is really a waste of time. but i can sort out my thinkings. recalling back my long long ago memories. flipping through those stories that i have written, it really brings back lots of feelings. no matter it is bitter or sweet, it is all past tense.

my most treasured memories is of course the memories of LEO. the phrase "i am who i am" is true. but what makes me become who i am today is all due to leo. a few years back, before i enter the world of leo, i was so NOT outstanding. always hide myself in the house, don't even want to follow my parents, don't even want to step out anywhere. my life is as boring as anything years before. my daily routines were school, back home, then stay in the house. everyday is the same for me. until the day when i entered the world of LEO(year 2005). and eversince i stepped into it, my life began to change.what is the meaning of LEO? Leadership, Experience and Opportunity. I simply loved leo. it blossomed my life tremendously. i am a most active members among my batch.I joined in all sorts of activities. from the orphanage, to old folks home, from dedication to leo installations, and even multiple district leo forum. i attended YES camps and always request permissions to go out. there was once, when i arrived home 2am in the morning. my mummy was damn worried and even threatened me to quit leo. but i object. sadly, leo affected my PMR results. which i feel i could easily score well if i weren't too active. But the post makes me lose my desire to study. and i want is just to carry out my duty well just like the phrase stated " With Love, We Serve". i can never ever forget this phrase. and also "Leading to Serve, Serving to Lead". As my post gets higher each time, it makes me learned more and more new things and to gain many priceless memories which you guys can never ever taste it unless you are a leo. Leo makes me gained friendship too. if it isn't for leo, i wouldn't have the chance to know Baobei and Vonny well. we created many silly jokes and encountered many shameful events. but who cares? we are who we are.If it weren't because of Leo, i wouldn't even have the courage to approach any strangers. If it weren't because of Leo, i wouldn't know the real meaning of love. If it weren't because of Leo, i wouln't realized how fortunate i was compare to the others. If it weren't because of Leo, i wouldn't have the chance to create happiness and to see the smile of others. I realized how stupid i was to work so hard last time just to gain those Alpha Top Awards. I realized that Award is not important as long as we served with sincere heart. It is the process and results that is meaningful and priceless to me.So long, i still wanna say "Thank you Leo club..!i am glad to be able to serve for leo. you makes me into what i am today. i am FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT!!" Once a leo, forever a leo...........together we achieve more...

memories ended. NOW, back to real life....it is more or less the same...except that my headache is slightly better. sweet memories really can heal something.i might even have the mood to revise later. fiddlestick!i know i won't study until the last minute. haha.....the due dates for presentations and assignments is coming soon. although hateful, but i am not panic and tense up. for i believe.....this is LIFE. every events is an add on to our life. if not..how can our life be colourful? thanks to all those memories..i start to know....nothing remains perfect. so long as we are able to think positively, i believe it is the best solution for us to face each days with a broad smile. with the spirit of leo in me, i believe i will face each days with courages and full determination. afterall, it only lefts a month before i can go back home again. all the best to me.....gambateh...........

I need strength....

Me with Uncle MCD

SHE REUNION....all thanks to xiao hong...

You guys are my soul......thanks a lot.....

Holiday is always the best!But it ended so soon....aiks...actually this piece of blog should be posted long ago..but due to my laziness...i kept on delaying it.Seriously..my hostel has no water supply for one week. And so..i have been suffering for one week. T.T..recalling back...luckily i survived. Although home is still the best...but i missed dar dar. I feel something is missing without dar dar. Maybe i rely too much on him....!aiks..must learn to be independent...

Anyway..my holiday is awesome. I get to meet my SHE members, my baobei, my dearest gua gua, my relatives, my cousins, and most of all...my daddy and mummy. i missed them sooooooo much. What did i during that whole week? Well...i stick to my parents for most of the time. Followed them to factory...played with Barry(my cousin), and sat infront of my computer chatting with dar dar. I can even play with my neighbours, Ah Mei, Ah Shuan, Wawa and Ying Ying. They were such cuties and also my sisters. We grew up together and we shared so much memories together. I love them.Besides that, i also did hang out with Selina Bear and Hebe Ting. We did had an enjoyable time. Baobei too, came to my house. I missed you baobei....i only didn't see you for such a short while..and you grew so many white hairs. hahax...anyway...don't be so stress up baobei.....SPM will be fine for you. I have faith in you and Vonny. And i am sure you guys will get through it....gambateh.....

Now...back to this monstrous place, i don't feel happy at all. There were so much problems waiting for me. Schoolwork? Assignments? Exams? Personal problems? PLEASE do leave me!! I had enough of you. I seem to lose my fighting spirit! Recalling back, i used to be so strong. And i won't be pulled down. But why do i feel like giving up now? I need strength. Where is my courages and strength? I need them back...

Honestly....i am lacked of happiness in this monstrous place. Maybe i am not a 100% saddist. I don't even want to be a saddist. Again...although i have gotten something really precious and priceless here, but this surrounding really doesn't suits me. If possible...i hope to be a child forever. But i know i can't go back to the memories that has passed long long ago.......!I missed the laughters i once heard, that sounds so gay. I missed the happiness and memories i once had.I missed JB. I missed the place where i grew up from. I missed the smell of it. I missed everything i had there.......

Once again.....i missed all of you in JB........"I Have You To Be With...Everything Will Be Easy"......

I am who i am......

hey people...surprise to see me back so soon?hmm........well..so much about being emo and tolerating has turned me into a weakling. I am no longer the usual me that i always be. I no longer laughed heartily like i used to do.....or rather...i laughed with a mask on me now. whats wrong with me?

Sorry Mummy...you have given me everything and pins really high hopes and expectation from me. But i let you down almost everytime. you once said to me that the only thing you can give me is "Education". whether to make full use of it or not, it all depends on me. Sorry to say that i didn't make full use of it. I even thought of quiting everything. But never fret..this is my last chance now.....and it is the only part that can lead me to my future. I'll make sure...i finish my part.

Sorry Baobei and Vonny....i am not as strong as you think. And i can't be strong without you guys around...maybe i ve given all my powers and strength to you both. I am left with nothing now. Forgive me for letting you guys down......but no matter what happens, i'll still hang on. You guys once said to me "You are my hope, You are my pride". I am sorry for not doing a good job here. The spirit of "The Pistachio's" shall never fade. Like Vonny said...as long as we are bonded together...it will become our strongest will power. Please provide me the strength to carry on....

Seriously, this piece of blog is not about friends. It is all about me!!......Who am i? A failure? A half-successful girl? A wild girl? Uncivilised? Hateful? .......etc. WHO AM I ?....I just can't understand myself. I don't know the real side of myself. It does gets on my nerves....i hate myself for this.......or maybe....i hate to be myself actually...

In one situation, i can be friendly, happy go lucky, talkative, quick-witted, excited......and etc.but in another situation, i can be silent, angry, emo-ing, serious, very low mood,....etc..

Overall, what i really know about myself is that i am short,round, ugly,rough, fierce, not gentle,wild, tomboy, half-called "Lala",both noisy and silent, can goes into very deep and far thinking, day and night dreamer, an expert in jealousy, very hot-tempered, and extremely sensitive. People might run away if they know all these except for those who really and truly understand me. Thanks ya...baobei and vonny...now only i realized how terrible i am.but you guys never leave me for even a step. Thanks soooooooo much. And my besty Jennifer too....for being there for me whenever i need you. We are heart-bonded friends and buddies....and always will be.And so do my SHE's members, Hebe Ting and Selina Bear.

If you asked me who am i,i really don't know who am i. I hate the real side of myself. I hate the weak side of myself. The real side of me...i think should be in the category of the silent part. Or i should say i actually have dozens of side?Where i don't know which is the real side of me.Now only i realized how weak i am. I may be tough by appearance, but deep inside, i am not. I still need the supports of others. I may be relaxed and steady..but you'll never know my desire to win is as high as anybody. I may be friendly..but only to those who deserves it. I am fierce...but only to those who gets on my nerves. I can be wild especially to people who knows me well. I hate those who is uncivilized. I hate those who steps on my tail for no reason. I set high goals but I am half a failure in my 2nd stage of life. Sometimes,i wondered how i passed through my whole journey of Secondary school life. The answer is simple. I have met good friends who are willing to give me full support and lend me their shoulders when i am down. I'll remembered all the tears and pain that we went through all along our journey.

So long...i am always myself. From my sense of dressing, my characters, my ways of speaking, my hot-tempered, my jealousy, my heart, my bad side, my weak side, and my everything.....i am always being myself. Nobody can change the way i am. Nobody can change what i am. Why did i say so? For even me, myself couldn't change all the negative parts of me...so how could you?Eventhough people might not like me for who i am, or can't accept the real side of me(i can't accept it myself), but what is so wrong for being myself? Can i tell my parents that it is their fault for giving birth to me? Can i blame god for creating who i am? Can i request God to create me as the most perfect person in this World? NO..totally impossible.There are no perfect person in this world. I am just being myself..so long i wanna say "I AM WHO I AM"....nothing ever change...