Blogging mood

Hey people, i am super sleepy after a most fulfilling weekend. It is the beginning of another brand new week and i am using God's strength to help me to last throughout this week :) Cute Dawn don't allow me to sleep on Saturday's night so i had to bring along with me a pair of "Panda eyes" to attend church service on Sunday. I thought i won't be able to last throughout the whole service. Trust me..i am super duper sleepy. Yet, by the grace of God, He blessed me with twice the energy level i used to have.

I was so sad when the twins has to go back to their formal connect group. I felt like a Mummy having to send my daughters away :( I enjoyed being in the same group with them and i enjoyed talking with them. Still, PRAISE THE LORD!! I have been praying and praying for Yvonne eversince the day when she decided not to come to church. It wasn't easy. I confessed that i am not a very patient person. The more visions i received, the more i wanted to achieve it. Hence, i was discouraged because i don't see any results at all. In the midst of waiting, i have learnt the power of "Patience". I need to learn to follow God's pace. No matter how much i wanted a thing to happen, i will have to lie in wait for God's timing. I forgot to say, connect group was awesome to the max. Everyone had fun....thanks for sharing and trusting in me :)

Random thoughts again. Oh well, i don't know how to put it in words but what i wanna say is, "We will never learn to appreciate something until we lost it". I used to work so hard on my stories until one day, when i decided to take a break. I never get back to my stories and i will never remember to continue writing until recently. My laptop died and i lost all my documents :( I don't even have a back up copy for my stories. See? When i had it, i don't appreciate it..but when i lost it forever, i'll think and think about it. I felt so lost and sad. I know i can always rewrite it..but things will never be the same again :( All my hard works are gone. The amount of tears, effort and time i invested in it, it is gone forever. Will i be able to turn impossible into possible? To rewrite all my stories again..Lord, help me!!

Okay, since i am that emo now (which i don't know why am i so emo all of a sudden), i shall just turn this into another meaningless post. Why am i so timid? Why can't i be more confident? Why can't i pluck up my courage? I don't know. Due to sin, woman's sorrows are multiply. Maybe that's the reason why i tend to think too much and make myself emo. I DISLIKE!!! I want to change my destiny. To turn all impossibles' to possibles' I can do it...definitely i can...

Defeated Queen

Hello World....exams finally over :) I am happily enjoying my so-called short break now. Even though it is only less than one month, but it is better than nothing right? Mummy said i got to help her out in factory everyday :( Still, what can i say? It is better to help out than to do nothing right? Morever, they are my family. Helping them out is a MUST :) I love my family.

PS: Don't worry about my random title - Defeated Queen. My silent and loyal readers will notice that i used this title before 2 years back :) Why did i re-use it again? *Big grins* My mummy is watching it now and of course i re-watch it with her again. It was awesome. I certainly don't want to be a "Defeated Queen".

 Sometimes, a small kind and thoughtful action can warm my heart :) Dearest Aunty Rosalyn knows i love chocolate and she kept some for me even though i couldn't be there during their outreach :) I love her so much and i told her that. She is such a dear lady...reminds me of my own grandmother. Too bad i don't have this priviledge to fetch my grandmother around anymore :( I'll keep all our beautiful memories in my heart.

V for Viola? I love this bunch of people :) Rewinding to the time when i first attended this church. That was after i left Perth...i was trying so hard to fit in. I always think that i am not the type of person which people will like or accept. So i have to try extra hard in every situations...especially when i have to reach out to people now. Sometimes i just wish that everything would remain the way it is. I am enjoying and loving every single moments which God has blessed me with. Yet, sometimes, things do change. No matter how tough life is, God always remind me not to underestimate the confident that He planted in me. He wants me to know that He created me just the way i am. No matter how i despite myself (during emo seasons), i am still HIS creation :)

I am not emo. I just feel like writing. People, my Fujitsu is dead :( Uncle Keith helped me to reformat it and i lost all my documents, even all my beloved written stories. I realized i don't have another back up copy :( Guys, i am sooooo sorry. It would take a long time before i have this inspiration to rewrite all my stories again :(

PS: It is really time to let go. What's wrong with me? I honestly and truly don't have any feelings for him anymore. I am leading a brand new life now and i am happy with my current life. All that i have to say will forever remain in once upon that december. Just let things remain the way it is. And yet why is it so hard for me to let go? I guess it is just this mind trick of mine again. After treasuring it for quite a while and for the first time, trying to achieve something which forever won't be mine, i find it a pity to let go of it just like that. But why do i still want to keep it when i know it will bring back painful memories? I won't stalk you like before or try to find out more about you for God has filled that place. Enough of all that, i don't know if you will read this or not, but all i wanna say is that i just hope you will be able to find your happiness :) And that i'll give you my greatest blessing. Thank you for being an encourager to me. I used to feel so inferior and i know i can only stand in the midst while you are like the brightest star shining from afar. Now that i am standing on the same line as you, i know you are just part of my memories :) Thank you....i believe i can really move on now :) God is with me....

Really people, it is painful....but nothing is impossible. I know i can do it. If you think i look emo or what these few days, i am so so so sorry :)

I know...

I love the King and the King loves me :)

Sometimes, i don't have to say anything. The Power of Silence will convey all the things i wanna say. I believe even if i didn't say anything, my Father will know for He is even greater than my heart <3 I just love you so much...........

Random thoughts

Hey peeps,

I always loved Sundays because it is the day when i can reunite with God in His house :) (PS: Back in Perth, i looked forward to Saturdays because our service is on Saturdays :P) Well, i hope i won't turn this into a long post again. I just feel like writing even though i know i still have one more paper left. Goodness, when can i ever be serious and start studying? :( I don't want to be that kinda person who will cry over spilt milk. What kind of person i am?

This lead to a brand new random thought. Recently, Mummy is addicted to taiwanese dramas. Please, i do think my One Piece is so much better than those lovey dovey dramas which makes no sense. I am serious. Imagine all those fairy-tales-alike scenes which will NEVER happen in real life unless i create my own scenes (which i have tried but it didn't turn out to be true) She said i am a bad influence because i was the one who introduce all those dramas to her :P What a good way to put all blames on her daughter huh? :D Yea, that's how my mummy and i communicate, that's if you don't know.

Recently there's this new taiwanese drama which i don't know what is it called. I know Cindy Wang is one of the actress. I kinda like the beginning of the story line. It was about a girl who always forced herself to adapt to other peoples' likings. She didn't even know what she likes and who she is. This led me to my latest random thoughts. "Who am i?" I am not saying i look like that girl in the drama but certain characteristics of that role reminds me of myself (Definitely NOT the love part). I realized i knew very little of myself. And yet, i understand that the purest love that exist in life is to know myself. If i don't even love or understand myself, how could i even have the right to love others? Why am i saying all these? That's because i realized i don't even know what i like. Everyone around me have their own specific likings. For instance, when someone asked me, "What's your most favourite musical instrument?" (PS: For those who don't know, i have 3 lovers - Violin, Piano and Guitar) Then i will say, "Oh, i like Violin the most. Hmm..and i also like Piano and Guitar!" ............But the question they asked is "What's your MOST favourite musical instrument?" You get what i meant? I can't even make up my mind what i really like. It is normal for most people to have varieties of likings. What i wanna say is, to make up your mind on what you really like the most is hard. Yet, that's the key to unlock the real self within us.

I am trying to reach the extend of unlocking the real self within me. I need to understand myself more before i can reach out to others. Jesus knows me from the inside out and yet He wants me to do a real research study on myself. Who is Viola? What are my likings? What i dislike? I don't want to portrait myself as one person to others and at the same time, trying to find out what kind of person i am. Who i am to God will be who i am to people out there :)

Sorry, i am blabbering again :)) Gotta work hard for the final paper tomorrow :( God is with me :)))

Motivation

Herrowz World, in order to achieve 100 posts by this year, i need to remind myself to come back here often. Guess what? I flee back to JB. We had leader's meeting last night and thank God, i manage to get a ride from both Jeremy and Alvin. I manage to escape from all those traffic jams and long travelling time :) The reason why i chose to come back instead of being a good girl and to stay in Singapore to study, is due to the fact that  i know i won't study if i stay in Singapore. Instead, i'll be spending most of my time surfing facebook and browsing through people's blog. At least when i am at home, Mummy still can nag me and i will naturally feel guilty if i don't study :) I know i am complicated but yea, that's me for you *winks* Exam's coming. I need motivation!!

PS: Instead of fasting food, i do see the need of changing it to "Facebook" and blog. Or maybe i should just banned it. I've been spending too much time on facebook which is not good. I am not suppose to get addicted to any Earthly stuffs.

There you go. I was suppose to post this picture few days back but because of technical problem, i have no choice but to delay it. Thanks to the waiter at "The Hands Burger" for helping us to take this picture. It was good hanging out with Raphy and Kelmo. I am so proud of them and i envied them for their passion in media. Raphy came all the way from Perth to give a talk on "How to organize a Youtube Celebrities concert?" For your information, the Boombox tour 2011 that he organized during May was a great success :) I am looking forward to participate in the coming concert in Singapore/Malaysia. God is great! Without God, nothing is possible. I miss everyone in Perth. Browsing through all our good old times pictures never fail to bring tears to my eyes. It is not that i am weak but i am just too overwhelmed and sometimes don't understand why God wanna plan my life this way.

Something to share :) I was on my way to Toa Payoh yesterday. While staring at zone's group picture (Which i always carried it with me), God spoke to me. He started by rewinding all those memories to me. Tonnes and tonnes of memories flow on my mind and i find it hard to absorb everything. Memories of me arriving in Perth, starting out in the zone, witnessing the first Murdoch service, started serving as usher (My first ministry), accept God's invitation as a core member, lost my relationship and friends because of God, how i got closer to the zone and God, how i broke down, how i showed my true feelings, how i learn to love, how i learn to be strong, how i learn the power of "Discern", how He cried for me, how i realized the fact that i am not alone, how i learn to share in the Lord's joy, how i gave my heart back to God, how He lead me home, how i learn to put God above anyone else, how i learn to accept His wills, how He placed me in many ministries, how He placed me (The only Murdochian) in drama team, how i learn to endure the pain of making decision, how He assisted me in terms of emotions, how He insisted that i should come back, how hard it is to let go of that particular someone, how i decided to let go, how i finally gave in, how guilty i felt when one cell group was disperse because of my leaving, how i endure the pain of seeing tears in the zone's eyes when it was time for me to say Goodbye, how i blame myself for all these, how much He loves me, how i survived till now, how much He has in store for me, reflections of who am i in Perth and who He turned me into TODAY.

When i finally opened my eyes back to reality, i realized i have been wanting to cry eversince the day i leave Perth and eversince the day i promised God that i'll be strong. God is telling me to surrender all my emotions and everything to Him. I am not saying i don't love the church i am in now. I do love it and i am happy with everything God has planned for me. It is just that back in here, i need to stand alone and i got to be strong which is really a "cover up" of Viola because i am not a confident person. I will break down at times. I don't really have someone whom i can share my problems with. I can't seem to find the right person to share with. That makes me wanna bottle up all my emotions. I don't wanna wear a mask wherever i go. It is very tiring. I just wanna be myself and yet I can't allow myself to be weak because i know there are tonnes of people who needs God outside. But God told me not to worry and not to underestimate the ability He has planted in me. He wanted me to be strong and yet i can choose to break down whenever i couldn't take it. For instance, i am always rushing after something (Which i don't know what is it). Even if i do have a lot of time, but i am always rushing. There is never a time when you could see me walking slowly to enjoy the scene, especially when i am alone. I never realize how tired i am because i can't allow myself to be defeated. God is reminding me that i am allowed to slow down my pace and not to be too strong all the time. It is not wrong to cry and it is not wrong to be weak in front of God. Sometimes i just tend to be happy-go-lucky in everything that i didn't realized that my heart is all wounded and i need healing. Thank you Lord for reminding me of that. I will spend more time to listen to what my heart has to say....

There goes the same to the "Power of Discerning" which God himself cried and spoke to me......but i shall save it for the next post :) The story of why i always stare at the hand strap i wore on my hand. I know that i have the ability to "Reach the World" for the power is always in my hand :))) The one and only encouragement that keeps me going on till now ..............

OUTREACH

Your Name, is a strong and mighty tower

Your Name, is a shelter like no others

Your Name, let the nation sing it louder

Cause nothing has the power to save....but YOUR NAME :)

My God is not just some ordinary God. He is Supernatural and Everlasting :) Lots of things to say but when it comes to sharing, the words just won't flow nicely :(

PS: I was going to upload pictures of Raphy, Kelmo and myself when Raphy came to Singapore to give a talk. But somehow, i had problem saving those pictures from Facebook. Oh well, i guess it has to be in the next post then.

Nonetheless, i still have something awesome to share. Let's share in the Lord's joy.

 As all of us know, all connect groups are carrying out "Daniel's strategy" where each of us have chosen our "Three" (Non-christian/backslider). We have been praying for them for 3-4 weeks. Then, we are gonna have an Outreach and invite all these "Three". Yet, the response wasn't that good :( Nobody really wants to come and we didn't like to force them either. We tried all ways - Called them up instead of texting, advertise, and plead them to come, but all in vain. Alvin and i was so devastated. It was our first time organizing this kind of event. We called it "Friend's Night" and we don't want it to end up to be like a normal connect group's meeting. What can we do? Leave everything to God...........We really don't know what else we can do.

We did leave everything to God. Even in the area of food. We were so afraid that the food wouldn't be enough because quite a few of them didn't confirm that they were coming. It was suppose to be a potluck. Praise the Lord. We had more than enough food :) We manage to get 3 brand new visitors. And the best part is, 2 got saved and 1 rededicated herself back to God. ALL GLORY GOES TO GOD!! What now? Nothing is impossible when God is around. I was so nervous during sharing time. Still, i wanna say, keep your house firm and strong :) You know what is the greatest foundation already...

Overall, my weekend is very fulfilling.....though a lot of things happened :( *Huge sigh* I know i don't have to worry because God is there. Yet, i will still dwell over it again and again. I love spending time with Mummy even though we were just watching dramas and doing groceries shopping. I love going to the House of Lord even though i know i will have to spend half the day there. I love serving the Lord even if it is without condition. You know what's the latest "deal" i have between God and myself? Alph once told me that we all ought to have confidence and believed that Heaven's door is already open for us and that we are all going to Heaven for sure. What i wanna drive from his sentence is, i don't want to go to Heaven. If i could make a deal with God, i wanna give up the opportunity to enter Heaven. I am not saying i don't want to follow God anymore. I'll still serve Him and do what He wants me to do. Instead of wanting to receive His rewards, i am willing to forgo everything just for the sake that all my beloved ones will be saved :( Time is running out. I know i am being impatient but i really want to see that breakthrough soon :(

I know i just have to keep on believing and pray about it but i am still a human. Sometimes it is really hard to maintain that kinda positive thinking. I wanna emphasise again - That's why blog is my best friend :) I will practice what Dee taught me - P.U.S.H (Pray Until Something Happen) Dear Jesus, i love you so much!!I know You will help me to survive from all these storms....

PS: Just a random thought, do i look fierce? Normally i am the one who goes round saying people looks fierce and yet, recently, a lot of people commented that i looked fierce and super gangster. Oh please..what a joke!!!Oh well, maybe i do look fierce when i am into my emo season :))

Speechless =.=!!!

Hey peeps,

Please stay away as far as possible. This is gonna be another *venting out* post. I am so sorry but i guess this is the only way to make me feel alright again.

Sometimes, i really don't know what i should do to ensure that i am doing something "RIGHT". I mean, i carried out orders. I am being obedient and do what i ought to do. It is just that in certain areas or circumstances, i really cannot follow blindly what i am being asked to do. I have my ways to handle all these and i felt peaceful after doing what i am suppose to do. And yet, i am being known as "Un-teachable" if i don't 100% follow orders.

Again i wanna say, sometimes, no feedbacks doesn't mean i don't know anything. There are things which i didn't say but doesn't mean i don't care. I know what i should say and what i shouldn't say. People trust me with stuffs and i do think i have the right to protect what they shared. It might sounds like gossip but we do know how to repent. I am not someone who could help others to decide where they wanna be or who they should be with. It is only God who could do that. PS: I am not indicating anybody. It is just one of my random thoughts because i really *dislike* politics. It just makes me feel super duper uncomfortable.

I am not even trying to compete or whatsoever. I don't need to clarify or make known to the whole World what i am doing and all. People can think whatever they want of me. If people can like me for who i am, they can *dislike* me for who i am too. I don't need people to understand me. I know what i am doing and i know i have a faithful someone to guide me all along the way. Someone asked me once, "Don't you feel tired at all? Don't you think you are a bit too strong and you needed a rest?" The fact is that, i cannot allow myself to be weak. Who will care? I have only ONE master whom i am serving.  What i am doing is just for the best of His kingdom. I need to step into people's World (without being one of them) to win them over. Please understand that all these cannot be done by forcing. It is the quality that matters...not the quantity. I cannot change a person's views or thoughts. I cannot help them to make decision. I cannot even ask them to do something which they do not want to do.

I am sorry that i sounded emo. In fact, i am just talking to myself. I think too much at times which makes me feel so bad and uncomfortable. That's why blog is my best friend :) 

All in all, i just wanna say, it is hard.....but i know things will be fine sooner or later. No worries peeps, the next post will be slightly happier. I had fun for the past two days. It feels so good to hang out with Murdochians. Good job, Raphy and Kel :D Oh well, I guess that little emotional part within me has risen again no matter how hard i tried to hide it.....